Best homework assignment ever.

 As IT people, we will face many challenges as we move forward. And even though we circumnavigate an endless stream of unappreciative bosses, ever-changing software and hardware, lack of respect from non-geeks, and a veritable bevy of horrific clients (designers especially) one challenge rises above all others.

ROBOTS.

Robots pose the number one challenge faced by IT people, because surviving a robot apocalypse is going to be the number one challenge faced by ALL people. These won’t be the lovable Johnny 5 type robots from short circuit, offering memorable quips and one-liners such as “Hey, Laserlips!” and “Your mother was a snowblower”. These are the robots we all wanted as kids (and now), and no, Johnny 5, we would never DISASSEMBLE you. The robots that pose the greatest challenge to IT people are going to be more akin in demeanor, if not design, to the T-800 endoskeletons from the Terminator franchise. Never sleeping, never eating, and hell-bent on destruction. These machines will not be hardwired to obey Asimov’s 3 laws of robotics.

This is what will happen if you buy from Apple.

   Even as you read this, robotics firms such as iRobot and Braintech are developing nigh unstoppable killing machines. Challenges faced by Digital designers and IT people (and all people) will include, but not be limited to:

1)      Facing a relentless enemy: Robots are models of efficiency. Robot production will be around the clock, as the robots building other robots do not take cigarette breaks. In the time it takes to destroy 1 robot on the front lines, 3 more will be produced.

2)      Lack of training: Fighting the mechanical hordes will be a brutal assault on our minds and bodies. As digital designers and IT people are generally a fey and doughy bunch, the culture shock of being hurled into all out war will be especially harrowing.

3)      Lack of Equipment / Supplies: We as suburban Americans are not at all outfitted with the right gear to fend off an invasion of emotionless machines. With the exception of Ben Eisbrenner, who is an army guy. Smart money says Benhas guns.

   The iRobot menace is perhaps the most startling. iRobot  was founded by MIT graduates. Not only are these some of the brightest engineers and mathematicians in the world, but also likely nerdy enough to have developed a deep hatred for humanity as a whole. As far as building an army of machines goes, they have the means AND the motive. They were stuffed into lockers as kids, and their vindication will come as they order their strike force of monstrous automatons to snuff out humanity as a whole.

   Even with robotics still in its infancy, iRobot’s devious plan is already in motion. iRobot developed the ROOMBA, a seemingly benign machine marketed under the guise of cleaning your floors. The ROOMBA is a small device that finds its way through an entire home by means of geometry. It continues “bumping” into walls, and turning at seemingly random increments, until it covers the entire floor. MORE LIKE DOING RECON. Have you ever taken one apart? Do you KNOW that it doesn’t have a camera providing a live video feed to its nerdy overlords?

Death Squad

   Furthermore its design is flat and round, with “ROOMBA” printed in large, friendly letters across the top. One cannot help but think of the smiley face on the rattlesnake’s hood when looking at this unimposing domestic war machine.

As of July 2010, over 4.5 million ROOMBAS have been sold in the United States alone. They outnumber our police by a factor of 6! The sheer number of these machines will confront Digital Designers and IT people with even further challenges, as we will be greatly outnumbered. If it’s this easy to put a robot that vacuums in over 15% of American homes, consider how easy it will be to install a hulking positronic soldier that does ALL chores into EVERY home. Our destruction is near.

So, in conclusion, the challenges we face as Digital Designers and IT people will be massive, unless we all submit to our mechanical masters and beg for mercy.

Best homework assignment ever.

 As IT people, we will face many challenges as we move forward. And even though we circumnavigate an endless stream of unappreciative bosses, ever-changing software and hardware, lack of respect from non-geeks, and a veritable bevy of horrific clients (designers especially) one challenge rises above all others.

ROBOTS.

Robots pose the number one challenge faced by IT people, because surviving a robot apocalypse is going to be the number one challenge faced by ALL people. These won’t be the lovable Johnny 5 type robots from short circuit, offering memorable quips and one-liners such as “Hey, Laserlips!” and “Your mother was a snowblower”. These are the robots we all wanted as kids (and now), and no, Johnny 5, we would never DISASSEMBLE you. The robots that pose the greatest challenge to IT people are going to be more akin in demeanor, if not design, to the T-800 endoskeletons from the Terminator franchise. Never sleeping, never eating, and hell-bent on destruction. These machines will not be hardwired to obey Asimov’s 3 laws of robotics.

This is what will happen if you buy from Apple.

   Even as you read this, robotics firms such as iRobot and Braintech are developing nigh unstoppable killing machines. Challenges faced by Digital designers and IT people (and all people) will include, but not be limited to:

1)      Facing a relentless enemy: Robots are models of efficiency. Robot production will be around the clock, as the robots building other robots do not take cigarette breaks. In the time it takes to destroy 1 robot on the front lines, 3 more will be produced.

2)      Lack of training: Fighting the mechanical hordes will be a brutal assault on our minds and bodies. As digital designers and IT people are generally a fey and doughy bunch, the culture shock of being hurled into all out war will be especially harrowing.

3)      Lack of Equipment / Supplies: We as suburban Americans are not at all outfitted with the right gear to fend off an invasion of emotionless machines. With the exception of Ben Eisbrenner, who is an army guy. Smart money says Benhas guns.

   The iRobot menace is perhaps the most startling. iRobot  was founded by MIT graduates. Not only are these some of the brightest engineers and mathematicians in the world, but also likely nerdy enough to have developed a deep hatred for humanity as a whole. As far as building an army of machines goes, they have the means AND the motive. They were stuffed into lockers as kids, and their vindication will come as they order their strike force of monstrous automatons to snuff out humanity as a whole.

   Even with robotics still in its infancy, iRobot’s devious plan is already in motion. iRobot developed the ROOMBA, a seemingly benign machine marketed under the guise of cleaning your floors. The ROOMBA is a small device that finds its way through an entire home by means of geometry. It continues “bumping” into walls, and turning at seemingly random increments, until it covers the entire floor. MORE LIKE DOING RECON. Have you ever taken one apart? Do you KNOW that it doesn’t have a camera providing a live video feed to its nerdy overlords?

Death Squad

   Furthermore its design is flat and round, with “ROOMBA” printed in large, friendly letters across the top. One cannot help but think of the smiley face on the rattlesnake’s hood when looking at this unimposing domestic war machine.

As of July 2010, over 4.5 million ROOMBAS have been sold in the United States alone. They outnumber our police by a factor of 6! The sheer number of these machines will confront Digital Designers and IT people with even further challenges, as we will be greatly outnumbered. If it’s this easy to put a robot that vacuums in over 15% of American homes, consider how easy it will be to install a hulking positronic soldier that does ALL chores into EVERY home. Our destruction is near.

So, in conclusion, the challenges we face as Digital Designers and IT people will be massive, unless we all submit to our mechanical masters and beg for mercy.

5 reasons why job hunting makes us want to drink more

5 reasons why job hunting makes us want to drink more By Kenneth Kneher

   It’s the holidays and you’re in your late 20’s so its high time your hiatus after dropping out of college 8 years ago comes to an end. You’ve already used up all the charity that any of your resentful family had for you, so it’s time to get a job. Seems simple enough, right? Falsify a resume, wear suit (that you stole from your dad), put on a happy face and join the workforce. After all, you charmed that amputee into sleeping with you, so you can surely convince some shit-for-brains Staples manager to hire you, EASY!

Not today. Unless you have some niche skill that makes you extremely marketable, or you live in a world painted by Norman Rockwell, you are in for a rude awakening, because you have:

1)      No experience

   If this is your first job you may have a tough enough time finding a place that will hire you. That is, unless you’re willing to participate in some indentured servitude. Internship is one of the biggest scams going. You bust your ass, bribing, threatening and plagiarizing your way through middle and high school, then sexing your way through college, only to find out that you’re forced to work for free first, in order to work for peanuts later.

"Dees Nuts!"

   Of course if you’re one of the millions of Americans who’ve lost their jobs to any of the myriad of things wrong with our economy, your road will be much rockier. Employers know that your skill set will quickly evaporate, which is terrifying because according to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, 4 out of 10 unemployed Americans have not worked in over 6 months.

2)      No Education

   While student loans and grants are a wonderful thing, the fact that everyone is able to go to college does have an unfortunate side effect. When attending college was a rarity, a specialized education gave you a leg up on the competition. But now that an education is that anyone can get, it creates a dynamic where all specialized fields are saturated, so the overflow is forced to settle for less.

   It may be a small exaggeration that you NEED a degree to be a fast food server, but you do need a degree to manage the mental patients that prepare and serve your disgusting grease burger.

"A hard day's rockin"

3)      No references

   References are a curious thing. Naturally, employers want to call in to your old jobs to see if your uncontrollable kleptomania will be a problem for them too. But we can’t possibly imagine why they want to talk to personal references. While our close friends may be of questionable moral character, they aren’t so completely retarded that they would mess up lying for us. We just have to hope that they are smart enough to take the call outside when it does come in.

"Yea bro, Dave totally worked for *hic* me"

4)      No voice

   In a shocking display of irony, one of the most tragic byproducts of the Internet is that while it gives everyone a voice, it also gives everyone a voice. Picture a loud guy  standing in a room. You can unavoidably hear everything he wants to bark into your tender eardrum. Now picture that room filled entirely with loud guys, shoulder to shoulder, all yelling at the same time. It would be impossible to discern anything being said by anyone, thus providing a proper metaphor for job search engines and reminding you of the time you made the mistake of driving to New Jersey for Italian food.

Pictured - manliness

   When sites like Monster.com and CareerBuilder.com came out, they were indeed powerful job hunting tools. Then everybody figured that out. Combine that with the fact that it also allows businesses to quickly and inexpensively search a vast database of workers with imaginary qualifications that rival your own, and very quickly you realize that you’re competing against 5000 people for a minimum wage “Career Opportunity” at TJ Maxx. Plus businesses rarely accept paper applications anymore, because hey, let’s face it, who wants to personally deal with all of those chatty housewives and meth addicts. To add to the Kafka-inspired experience that is Monster.com, so many postings just lead you to another search engine, where you have the dubious pleasure of starting the process over form the beginning.

5)      No hope

   What takes the greatest toll on most people, is the sheer apathy that afflicts you when job hunting. When your best efforts seem to be entirely fruitless for weeks and months on end; it’s easy to resign yourself to selling weed again. Day after day, we spend our waking hours clicking links, filling out forms, and allowing ourselves up to 45 minutes to take tests that lead us to the conclusion that we have shit personalities, as we get no calls back from recruiters.

"We just called to alert you that you have no personality"

  It’s a process filled with deception and empty feelings. We’re forced to do it, so it qualifies as torture. On the off chance that somebody in HR does call you, you have an interview where you try to explain your imaginary qualifications and fraudulent work experience that you’ve so artfully fabricated in the preceding 7 months of free time. Put on your stolen suit and enjoy the more personalized rejection. Good Luck!

Emo-Fest 2007

 

10jan10

Yes, that’s right! Don’t attempt to adjust your non prescription black framed fashion glasses! Emo Fest 2007 is coming to a dull town full of pretentious kids near you! We know you’ve been waiting all year, standing around with your arms folded while talking about how you like music so obscure the bands in question haven’t even heard of themselves yet, pausing occasionally to delicately sweep your black hair away from your face and adjust your studded belt. Well, we are ready to come to your hometown and cash in on your sheep-like consumer youth with performances by bands full of prissy, whining pseudo-males that wear blood circulation-disrupting  pants and salvation army t-shirts. We’ve gathered all the bands with names that are comprised of a denomination of time coupled with a word or phrase that denotes a sense of loss, fleetingness or violence. Be sure to catch:

The Sucks, January Fades, Tuesday Blows, 8 Weeks In Tears, Bi-annual Sad Day, The Shitty Kids, September Death, December Sucked, Sad-face Suicide, Her Dying Death, Melancholy Blood Knife, The Love That Kills, Mundane Monday Massacre, Lets Kill This Twat and probably a few of your local bands with similar lookin’ guys who have their hoods up and balls chopped off to fit in those god awful pants.